We spent three days in Seattle, going through preliminary tests with nurses and doctors to make sure I can physically handle the transplant process. We also signed a lot of papers, it felt a little like buying a house!
The doctor on Thursday let us know that we'd be pushing the procedure start date back a week and that we could go home during that week if we'd like. They need me to recover some of my levels from the last round of chemotherapy. So we drove back on Friday to surprise our kids Saturday morning. The first thing our 3-year old Norah asked me was, "Daddy are you better now?" It brings tears to my eyes- I so look forward to the day when my answer will be "YES!"
I have mixed feelings- it would be nice to get this over with and it will be hard to say goodbye to my kids a second time. On the other hand, it doesn't feel like I'm in an assembly line where the goal is to get me through as quick as possible. I'm glad that the staff in Seattle are taking into account my health status and what dates would give my optimal chances for success. I also feel like I know a little bit more what to expect.
We had a fun time with my brother Jared. He is a very limber guy- always jumping over banisters and the like. We got to spend a few hours at the Experience Music Project on Friday, which was really cool. I'm looking forward to living in downtown Seattle for a few months, especially those months where I'm recovering. I wouldn't want to live there long-term, but I've always thought it would be great for a short period of time. I'm glad that I'll have Christina with me and I'm hoping that this experience will bring us even closer together.
I was telling my son Michael last week that this experience feels a little bit like when I left for my mission. I felt strongly that it was something I should do, but it was still really hard to leave my family. But I felt then and I feel now that God is watching over us, that he has a plan for me, and that these experiences will be for my good. I believe that is true for everyone, but it's nice to feel a witness of it in my heart.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Adventure awaits!
Christina talked to Doctor Maloney's nurse (at the SCCA) on Friday. Although my PET scan showed that the insidious invading lymphoma is not in complete remission, they aren't sure that more chemotherapy will completely eradicate it. While that sounds slightly ominous, it does mean that we are going to begin the bone marrow/stem cell transplant treatment. So, we're off to Seattle on Wednesday. As part of the conditioning treatment, I'll get more chemotherapy plus radiation to kill off any remaining lymphoma and prepare me to receive donor cells from my brother.
Speaking of brothers, I am fortunate to have five. As well as five sisters. We found out about two weeks ago that they had finished HLA typing my siblings and it turns out that I have 4 matching siblings, not just my youngest brother Jarom. And since Jarom is only 16, my doctors would like to use my brother Jared as a donor in his stead. All of us siblings are really close and I'm so grateful to all of them for being willing to save my life- Jarom is awesome and I hope he knows I'd be proud to have some of his cells running through my veins! Jared is a great man and I'm hoping that some of his greatness comes to me through his blood :)
I am grateful to all of you for your friendship and love. Going through this has been a truly humbling experience. I had no idea that so many people would show so much love to me and my family. I get choked up when I talk about it. Thank you so much, it really does mean the world to me.
YOU ARE ALL MY HEROES!
Thank you to my colleagues at PNNL for being there for me and for generously organizing a fund drive to help my family. When I heard that a goal of 10,000 had been set, I thought it was wishful thinking. I had no idea people would be so generous to me and my family.
Thank you to my church family for organizing a garage sale for our family. In my mind, I thought a yard sale would turn up maybe 2 or 3 thousand dollars for us. I'm still trying to understand how 11,000 were raised. I'm grateful that finances are not the first thing on my mind right now.
Thank you to everyone who has written a note, stopped by to visit, do some yard-work, prepared meals for our daunting crew or even liked a Facebook post. All of the encouragement really adds up! I want you to know that I truly care about you as well!
Thank you for your prayers, they are almost tangible in my life right now. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over my family. I know that he loves us all and wants us to be happy. I feel like most of my life I've stumbled through a dark forest, seeing a little bit of His light through the trees to guide my way. Right now I feel like I've reached a little clearing where the light is stronger. I'm grateful for that light, it makes this challenge bearable. Sometimes it's hard to have faith because there are so many opportunities for doubt. I've felt that way before, but I've managed to stay on the path and now I'm now enjoying a beautiful vista. In the future my path may not always be as well lit, but I'm grateful for this experience in the sun, it has renewed me.
Farewell for now. I'll keep posting while in Seattle and let you know of the gruesome horrors they put me through in the name of healing me. I look forward to coming back to you all after a successful procedure.
Speaking of brothers, I am fortunate to have five. As well as five sisters. We found out about two weeks ago that they had finished HLA typing my siblings and it turns out that I have 4 matching siblings, not just my youngest brother Jarom. And since Jarom is only 16, my doctors would like to use my brother Jared as a donor in his stead. All of us siblings are really close and I'm so grateful to all of them for being willing to save my life- Jarom is awesome and I hope he knows I'd be proud to have some of his cells running through my veins! Jared is a great man and I'm hoping that some of his greatness comes to me through his blood :)
I am grateful to all of you for your friendship and love. Going through this has been a truly humbling experience. I had no idea that so many people would show so much love to me and my family. I get choked up when I talk about it. Thank you so much, it really does mean the world to me.
YOU ARE ALL MY HEROES!
Thank you to my colleagues at PNNL for being there for me and for generously organizing a fund drive to help my family. When I heard that a goal of 10,000 had been set, I thought it was wishful thinking. I had no idea people would be so generous to me and my family.
Thank you to my church family for organizing a garage sale for our family. In my mind, I thought a yard sale would turn up maybe 2 or 3 thousand dollars for us. I'm still trying to understand how 11,000 were raised. I'm grateful that finances are not the first thing on my mind right now.
Thank you to everyone who has written a note, stopped by to visit, do some yard-work, prepared meals for our daunting crew or even liked a Facebook post. All of the encouragement really adds up! I want you to know that I truly care about you as well!
Thank you for your prayers, they are almost tangible in my life right now. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over my family. I know that he loves us all and wants us to be happy. I feel like most of my life I've stumbled through a dark forest, seeing a little bit of His light through the trees to guide my way. Right now I feel like I've reached a little clearing where the light is stronger. I'm grateful for that light, it makes this challenge bearable. Sometimes it's hard to have faith because there are so many opportunities for doubt. I've felt that way before, but I've managed to stay on the path and now I'm now enjoying a beautiful vista. In the future my path may not always be as well lit, but I'm grateful for this experience in the sun, it has renewed me.
Farewell for now. I'll keep posting while in Seattle and let you know of the gruesome horrors they put me through in the name of healing me. I look forward to coming back to you all after a successful procedure.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Dates and choices
On June 10 I will be going to Kadlec for another PET scan to determine if the insidious cancerous t-cells have been successfully eradicated or if I need to go through another round of chemotherapy. I'll find out the results on June 12.
The good news is that Dr. Patel feels confident that we'll have the cancer on the run and be able to go up to Seattle. In fact, we have scheduled with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance to begin treatment on Wednesday, June 26.
Last week was my last cycle of my six-cycle chemo regimen. The nurses all came and sang, "hit the road, Jack" to me. It was very sweet of them- they have all been so great! It really hit me that I could be done with this stage of the cancer battle. I've been so focused on the stem-cell procedure that the end of the chemotherapy has snuck by me.
I've been very blessed during these treatments. I know that they can be very hard on people and I feel like I've gotten by relatively lightly.
I'm leaving work this week. It's hard- I like my job a lot and really love the people I work with. I know that my coworkers are facing some busy months ahead. But it's getting harder and harder to get forty hours in each week. I also feel like I should spend a few weeks with my kids before leaving them for several months.
I've been thinking about choices lately. From an early age I was taught that what we get out of life is a result of the choices that we make. I knew that who I would marry would depend on who I dated and what kind of man I became. I knew that my future job would depend on how I did in school or applied myself at my work.
Now I'm going through an illness where many choices have been taken away from me. And yet I'm grateful for the choices that I still have open to me. It's a narrower set of choices, but I know that they still matter.
The good news is that Dr. Patel feels confident that we'll have the cancer on the run and be able to go up to Seattle. In fact, we have scheduled with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance to begin treatment on Wednesday, June 26.
Last week was my last cycle of my six-cycle chemo regimen. The nurses all came and sang, "hit the road, Jack" to me. It was very sweet of them- they have all been so great! It really hit me that I could be done with this stage of the cancer battle. I've been so focused on the stem-cell procedure that the end of the chemotherapy has snuck by me.
I've been very blessed during these treatments. I know that they can be very hard on people and I feel like I've gotten by relatively lightly.
I'm leaving work this week. It's hard- I like my job a lot and really love the people I work with. I know that my coworkers are facing some busy months ahead. But it's getting harder and harder to get forty hours in each week. I also feel like I should spend a few weeks with my kids before leaving them for several months.
I've been thinking about choices lately. From an early age I was taught that what we get out of life is a result of the choices that we make. I knew that who I would marry would depend on who I dated and what kind of man I became. I knew that my future job would depend on how I did in school or applied myself at my work.
Now I'm going through an illness where many choices have been taken away from me. And yet I'm grateful for the choices that I still have open to me. It's a narrower set of choices, but I know that they still matter.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I like Pi
My thoughts on the Life of Pi (spoiler alert!). Not a review, but my thoughts on the themes of the movie. Feel free to chime in!
It is a beautiful movie- the cinematography is excellent, the visuals are engaging. It has an interesting story and explores themes that matter. This is the type of movie I really enjoy, one that leaves me thinking for a few days after seeing it.
The movie presents you with a series of unlikely events that Pi experiences as he survives a shipwreck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and then months drifting at sea with a tiger for company. Afterwards, Pi presents an alternative narrative to the events of the film. One that is much less magical. The second narrative is easier to believe, but not very satisfying, The audience is then presented with the choice of which story to believe.
My family feels that the film ends with the first (more fantastical version) of the story as the "truth", but I didn't feel that way. I think that the characters in the film all chose to believe the first version, leaving the audience with the impression that it must have been the "true" version of the events. They chose to believe the first version because it was more magical, heroic, and satisfying.
And here is where the ideas of the movie have stuck with me. We are introduced to Pi's story as a story that will "make you believe in God." This could mean that watching Pi go through near-magical events that lead not only to his survival, but also to his strengthened faith in the divine, will strengthen our faith as well. But I see a different message in the film. Pi went through a horrific event, watching his family perish at sea and then surviving alone (or perhaps with a tiger) for months afterward. But then he was able to assemble a version of the events that was beautiful and gave meaning to life.
Just as we have to endure traumatic events but are free to choose to believe in a version of the universe in which there is a loving father watching over us, where our lives have meaning beyond the day-to-day activities, and where our deaths are not permanent, but only a chapter in the book of our life.
A few months ago, this message would have resonated with me. And I still feel that it is a positive message. But it's also a bit cynical. It is a message that faith is really not much more than a choice we make and that it doesn't really matter if belief in the divine is a belief in something "true." If it gives richness and meaning to our lives, then it is positive whether it's "true" or not.
I felt this way before I had lymphoma. I believe that in many ways, God gives us enough light to see our next step in the darkness, but not much more than that. Maybe life has to be that way. Without doubt, how can we have faith? But sometimes our doubts can feel stronger than our faith. And it can feel like faith in God is not much different than faith in Santa Claus. That faith is a story we tell ourselves to make life bearable when it is hard to bear.
But that hasn't been my experience the last few months. When Christina and I found out that I had cancer, we both immediately felt a blanket of comfort surrounding us. It wasn't something I had to look for. It wasn't something that I had to talk myself into because I was terrified of the trial which had suddenly come into our lives. I feel that this feeling is completely outside of me and that it is my Heavenly Father telling me that things will be all right. I think that means that I'll live through this trial, but even if I don't, I know that He is watching out for my family. My point is that I've been given I've been given more light than I'm accustomed to and it wasn't because I made an arbitrary choice to believe.
I've seen this happen to other people as well. I've seen people bear testimony after a family member had died that they felt at peace and felt comfort from the Holy Spirit that their loved one was still alive (spiritually, of course). And I wondered if they really felt that way, or if they were choosing to believe that because the alternative was just too awful to bear. And now I know- that peace is real and we really can have the knowledge that our families can be together again.
And there will be pie!
It is a beautiful movie- the cinematography is excellent, the visuals are engaging. It has an interesting story and explores themes that matter. This is the type of movie I really enjoy, one that leaves me thinking for a few days after seeing it.
The movie presents you with a series of unlikely events that Pi experiences as he survives a shipwreck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and then months drifting at sea with a tiger for company. Afterwards, Pi presents an alternative narrative to the events of the film. One that is much less magical. The second narrative is easier to believe, but not very satisfying, The audience is then presented with the choice of which story to believe.
My family feels that the film ends with the first (more fantastical version) of the story as the "truth", but I didn't feel that way. I think that the characters in the film all chose to believe the first version, leaving the audience with the impression that it must have been the "true" version of the events. They chose to believe the first version because it was more magical, heroic, and satisfying.
And here is where the ideas of the movie have stuck with me. We are introduced to Pi's story as a story that will "make you believe in God." This could mean that watching Pi go through near-magical events that lead not only to his survival, but also to his strengthened faith in the divine, will strengthen our faith as well. But I see a different message in the film. Pi went through a horrific event, watching his family perish at sea and then surviving alone (or perhaps with a tiger) for months afterward. But then he was able to assemble a version of the events that was beautiful and gave meaning to life.
Just as we have to endure traumatic events but are free to choose to believe in a version of the universe in which there is a loving father watching over us, where our lives have meaning beyond the day-to-day activities, and where our deaths are not permanent, but only a chapter in the book of our life.
A few months ago, this message would have resonated with me. And I still feel that it is a positive message. But it's also a bit cynical. It is a message that faith is really not much more than a choice we make and that it doesn't really matter if belief in the divine is a belief in something "true." If it gives richness and meaning to our lives, then it is positive whether it's "true" or not.
I felt this way before I had lymphoma. I believe that in many ways, God gives us enough light to see our next step in the darkness, but not much more than that. Maybe life has to be that way. Without doubt, how can we have faith? But sometimes our doubts can feel stronger than our faith. And it can feel like faith in God is not much different than faith in Santa Claus. That faith is a story we tell ourselves to make life bearable when it is hard to bear.
But that hasn't been my experience the last few months. When Christina and I found out that I had cancer, we both immediately felt a blanket of comfort surrounding us. It wasn't something I had to look for. It wasn't something that I had to talk myself into because I was terrified of the trial which had suddenly come into our lives. I feel that this feeling is completely outside of me and that it is my Heavenly Father telling me that things will be all right. I think that means that I'll live through this trial, but even if I don't, I know that He is watching out for my family. My point is that I've been given I've been given more light than I'm accustomed to and it wasn't because I made an arbitrary choice to believe.
I've seen this happen to other people as well. I've seen people bear testimony after a family member had died that they felt at peace and felt comfort from the Holy Spirit that their loved one was still alive (spiritually, of course). And I wondered if they really felt that way, or if they were choosing to believe that because the alternative was just too awful to bear. And now I know- that peace is real and we really can have the knowledge that our families can be together again.
And there will be pie!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Second thoughts
I'm beginning to have second thoughts about having lymphoma. Now that I'm a few months into it, the magic is starting to wear off. Sure, the extra attention is nice, and people are truly amazing. But I'd have to say I'm ready to return to the ranks of the cancer free.
The last two weeks have been worrisome. We've been waiting to find out when we'll be traveling up to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for my stem cell treatments. Christina called and talked to Dr. Maloney, the specialist who will be performing the transplant. He looked at the PET scan I'd had the week before and told Christina we're behind schedule in putting the cancer into remission and that we should be more aggressive with it.
We've been worried about our local doctor ever since we've begun treatment. He is from India, graduated from medical school before I was born, and is not a very talkative person. On the other hand, Dr. Patel is very grandfatherly, has a very positive attitude, and takes time to answer all of our questions. We just aren't always sure we're asking the right ones. He also seems to be forgetful at times.
So, we called Columbia Basin Oncology and Hematology and asked if we could see another doctor. We were ready to switch. We saw Doctor Gamboa on Wednesday. He is a year younger than me and communicates very well. He seemed very open. He also told us that Dr. Patel is the lymphoma expert in their clinic and the one that he would defer to in treating this disease. He also let us know that he agrees with Dr. Patel's approach in treating my case. He pointed out that the symptoms are improving. They can't manually feel my lymph nodes or my spleen anymore, so we know that they are getting back to their normal size. My other symptoms have improved. Also, we didn't start out with a PET scan, so we don't really have an original to compare the last one against. Dr. Gamboa recommended that we continue with my current regimen, especially since I only have one more round to go. Then we'll take another PET scan and evaluate. If the cancer is in remission, I'll be able to go up to Seattle and start the stem cell transplants. If not, they will put me on a more aggressive chemotherapy regimen.
Dr. Patel also spoke with Dr. Maloney and it sounds like they are on the same page. So Christina and I are feeling more confident again. And I just made it through my fifth round of chemo with flying colors. The lumbar puncture wasn't too bad, although it did take a few prods of the needle through my spinal cord to find my spinal fluid. And I had to go in for a blood transfusion on Friday to boost my red blood cell counts. But other than that, not too bad. I had a few nice naps.
The last two weeks have been worrisome. We've been waiting to find out when we'll be traveling up to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for my stem cell treatments. Christina called and talked to Dr. Maloney, the specialist who will be performing the transplant. He looked at the PET scan I'd had the week before and told Christina we're behind schedule in putting the cancer into remission and that we should be more aggressive with it.
We've been worried about our local doctor ever since we've begun treatment. He is from India, graduated from medical school before I was born, and is not a very talkative person. On the other hand, Dr. Patel is very grandfatherly, has a very positive attitude, and takes time to answer all of our questions. We just aren't always sure we're asking the right ones. He also seems to be forgetful at times.
So, we called Columbia Basin Oncology and Hematology and asked if we could see another doctor. We were ready to switch. We saw Doctor Gamboa on Wednesday. He is a year younger than me and communicates very well. He seemed very open. He also told us that Dr. Patel is the lymphoma expert in their clinic and the one that he would defer to in treating this disease. He also let us know that he agrees with Dr. Patel's approach in treating my case. He pointed out that the symptoms are improving. They can't manually feel my lymph nodes or my spleen anymore, so we know that they are getting back to their normal size. My other symptoms have improved. Also, we didn't start out with a PET scan, so we don't really have an original to compare the last one against. Dr. Gamboa recommended that we continue with my current regimen, especially since I only have one more round to go. Then we'll take another PET scan and evaluate. If the cancer is in remission, I'll be able to go up to Seattle and start the stem cell transplants. If not, they will put me on a more aggressive chemotherapy regimen.
Dr. Patel also spoke with Dr. Maloney and it sounds like they are on the same page. So Christina and I are feeling more confident again. And I just made it through my fifth round of chemo with flying colors. The lumbar puncture wasn't too bad, although it did take a few prods of the needle through my spinal cord to find my spinal fluid. And I had to go in for a blood transfusion on Friday to boost my red blood cell counts. But other than that, not too bad. I had a few nice naps.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Fighting cancer
I've been thinking lately about what it means to fight cancer. I don't feel like what I'm doing is really fighting. I mean, mostly what I'm doing is taking my medicine and keeping a positive attitude.
Christina told me that she was reading a blog about a man who preferred to use the term "living with cancer" because he felt it was more accurate. I don't know if I like that either, although I do like the emphasis on LIVING. But the ultimate goal is to get rid of it. Of course, that's my goal- maybe he has a type you have to live with.
Any ideas? I do have some goals that I try to follow in my battle with cancer. For example:
Christina told me that she was reading a blog about a man who preferred to use the term "living with cancer" because he felt it was more accurate. I don't know if I like that either, although I do like the emphasis on LIVING. But the ultimate goal is to get rid of it. Of course, that's my goal- maybe he has a type you have to live with.
Any ideas? I do have some goals that I try to follow in my battle with cancer. For example:
- I am asking my Father in Heaven for his help and guidance. I am asking for a miracle in my life.
- I am trying to live closer to the spirit. I have felt the spirit very strongly throughout this experience and I want to keep that feeling by being obedient to promptings I receive.
- I am trying to eat healthy foods and drink lots of water.
- I'd like to be more physically active, but most days I realize that the best thing I can probably do for myself is to rest
- I am trying to balance work and home life, realizing that home life is much more important.
- I want to spend as much time as possible with my wife and children. Friends too!
That's a pretty good list for now.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wise counsel
Yesterday our stake president, Ross Montierth called and asked if he could come and visit. I've never had a stake president in my home before- it was a special experience. He spent about 45 minutes talking with Christina and I. I know that represents a significant amount of time for him in his busy schedule. I'd like to share a few highlights of what we talked about.
First, he took time to let us know he cares about us, and that the members of the church do as well. Our ward is going to be fasting for my family on the next fast Sunday and he let us know that several other wards in the stake would be as well. It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of so many thoughts and prayers.
He shared with us some of the health challenges that his own family has had to deal with and let us know that it is part of the Lord's plan for us to grow. I've really felt a witness of this. I know that Heavenly Father has an idea of who he wants me to be and I really feel that this trial is a part of helping me to become that man.
He reminded us that the Lord can heal us, but often delays that healing for our own benefit. Also, it is more important to Him that we be spiritually made whole than that we be physically made whole.
He talked about blessings and counseled me to ask for blessings as often as I had the desire. Usually an anointing is only necessary on the first occasion, but priesthood blessings are always available. He reminded me that those blessings are based on my faith and told me that it was acceptable for me to ask the administering Elder for specific blessings.
We spoke about patriarchal blessings and the fact that we can learn different things from them at different points in our lives.
Also that this experience would draw us nearer together as a couple and as a family. He gave me a hug as he left and I could feel that he genuinely cares for each of us as members of his stake. It was a special visit. I am so grateful for the church, for both my brothers and sisters as well as our leaders. I do not aspire to be a leader in the church, but I do hope that I can follow their example. I can see that they are guided by the spirit and I want that more in my life.
First, he took time to let us know he cares about us, and that the members of the church do as well. Our ward is going to be fasting for my family on the next fast Sunday and he let us know that several other wards in the stake would be as well. It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of so many thoughts and prayers.
He shared with us some of the health challenges that his own family has had to deal with and let us know that it is part of the Lord's plan for us to grow. I've really felt a witness of this. I know that Heavenly Father has an idea of who he wants me to be and I really feel that this trial is a part of helping me to become that man.
He reminded us that the Lord can heal us, but often delays that healing for our own benefit. Also, it is more important to Him that we be spiritually made whole than that we be physically made whole.
He talked about blessings and counseled me to ask for blessings as often as I had the desire. Usually an anointing is only necessary on the first occasion, but priesthood blessings are always available. He reminded me that those blessings are based on my faith and told me that it was acceptable for me to ask the administering Elder for specific blessings.
We spoke about patriarchal blessings and the fact that we can learn different things from them at different points in our lives.
Also that this experience would draw us nearer together as a couple and as a family. He gave me a hug as he left and I could feel that he genuinely cares for each of us as members of his stake. It was a special visit. I am so grateful for the church, for both my brothers and sisters as well as our leaders. I do not aspire to be a leader in the church, but I do hope that I can follow their example. I can see that they are guided by the spirit and I want that more in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)