Second thoughts

I'm beginning to have second thoughts about having lymphoma.  Now that I'm a few months into it, the magic is starting to wear off.  Sure, the extra attention is nice, and people are truly amazing.  But I'd have to say I'm ready to return to the ranks of the cancer free.

The last two weeks have been worrisome.  We've been waiting to find out when we'll be traveling up to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for my stem cell treatments.  Christina called and talked to Dr. Maloney, the specialist who will be performing the transplant.  He looked at the PET scan I'd had the week before and told Christina we're behind schedule in putting the cancer into remission and that we should be more aggressive with it.

We've been worried about our local doctor ever since we've begun treatment.  He is from India, graduated from medical school before I was born, and is not a very talkative person.  On the other hand, Dr. Patel is very grandfatherly, has a very positive attitude, and takes time to answer all of our questions.  We just aren't always sure we're asking the right ones.  He also seems to be forgetful at times.

So, we called Columbia Basin Oncology and Hematology and asked if we could see another doctor.  We were ready to switch.  We saw Doctor Gamboa on Wednesday.  He is a year younger than me and communicates very well.  He seemed very open.  He also told us that Dr. Patel is the lymphoma expert in their clinic and the one that he would defer to in treating this disease.  He also let us know that he agrees with Dr. Patel's approach in treating my case.  He pointed out that the symptoms are improving.  They can't manually feel my lymph nodes or my spleen anymore, so we know that they are getting back to their normal size.  My other symptoms have improved.  Also, we didn't start out with a PET scan, so we don't really have an original to compare the last one against.  Dr. Gamboa recommended that we continue with my current regimen, especially since I only have one more round to go.  Then we'll take another PET scan and evaluate. If the cancer is in remission, I'll be able to go up to Seattle and start the stem cell transplants.  If not, they will put me on a more aggressive chemotherapy regimen.

Dr. Patel also spoke with Dr. Maloney and it sounds like they are on the same page.  So Christina and I are feeling more confident again.  And I just made it through my fifth round of chemo with flying colors.  The lumbar puncture wasn't too bad, although it did take a few prods of the needle through my spinal cord to find my spinal fluid.  And I had to go in for a blood transfusion on Friday to boost my red blood cell counts.  But other than that, not too bad.  I had a few nice naps.

Fighting cancer

I've been thinking lately about what it means to fight cancer.  I don't feel like what I'm doing is really fighting. I mean, mostly what I'm doing is taking my medicine and keeping a positive attitude.

Christina told me that she was reading a blog about a man who preferred to use the term "living with cancer" because he felt it was more accurate.  I don't know if I like that either, although I do like the emphasis on LIVING.  But the ultimate goal is to get rid of it.  Of course, that's my goal- maybe he has a type you have to live with.

Any ideas?  I do have some goals that I try to follow in my battle with cancer.  For example:

1. I am asking my Father in Heaven for his help and guidance.  I am asking for a miracle in my life.
2. I am trying to live closer to the spirit.  I have felt the spirit very strongly throughout this experience and I want to keep that feeling by being obedient to promptings I receive.
3. I am trying to eat healthy foods and drink lots of water.
4. I'd like to be more physically active, but most days I realize that the best thing I can probably do for myself is to rest
5. I am trying to balance work and home life, realizing that home life is much more important.
6. I want to spend as much time as possible with my wife and children.  Friends too!

That's a pretty good list for now.

Wise counsel

Yesterday our stake president, Ross Montierth called and asked if he could come and visit.  I've never had a stake president in my home before- it was a special experience.  He spent about 45 minutes talking with Christina and I.  I know that represents a significant amount of time for him in his busy schedule.  I'd like to share a few highlights of what we talked about.

First, he took time to let us know he cares about us, and that the members of the church do as well.  Our ward is going to be fasting for my family on the next fast Sunday and he let us know that several other wards in the stake would be as well.  It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of so many thoughts and prayers.

He shared with us some of the health challenges that his own family has had to deal with and let us know that it is part of the Lord's plan for us to grow.  I've really felt a witness of this.  I know that Heavenly Father has an idea of who he wants me to be and I really feel that this trial is a part of helping me to become that man.

He reminded us that the Lord can heal us, but often delays that healing for our own benefit.  Also, it is more important to Him that we be spiritually made whole than that we be physically made whole.

He talked about blessings and counseled me to ask for blessings as often as I had the desire.  Usually an anointing is only necessary on the first occasion, but priesthood blessings are always available.  He reminded me that those blessings are based on my faith and told me that it was acceptable for me to ask the administering Elder for specific blessings.

We spoke about patriarchal blessings and the fact that we can learn different things from them at different points in our lives.

Also that this experience would draw us nearer together as a couple and as a family.  He gave me a hug as he left and I could feel that he genuinely cares for each of us as members of his stake.  It was a special visit.  I am so grateful for the church, for both my brothers and sisters as well as our leaders.  I do not aspire to be a leader in the church, but I do hope that I can follow their example.  I can see that they are guided by the spirit and I want that more in my life.

For my centurions

When a roman centurion asked Jesus to heal his servant, the Savior responded that he would come to his home immediately.  The centurion replied that Jesus need not come to his house for he was unworthy.  But he believed that the Savior had the power to heal his servant from where he stood.

I used this story for family scripture study tonight.  I feel a bit like the servant in the story.  I have many centurions asking with faith that I might be healed, and I know that the Savior has the power to answer those prayers.  I thanked our children for their faith and prayers in my behalf.

I love the gospel.  I love that there are new things to learn and apply to ourselves now matter what our circumstances or trials we go through.  I am so grateful for the comfort of the spirit which I feel.

I really think I'm going to make it.  I feel that is what the Lord wants from me.  But if not, I know that I won't be alone.  That my family won't be alone.  That the Savior will be there for us and that things will be okay.  I'd heard people say similar things as they went through trials and I always wondered if it were true or if people just have a tendency to grab harder onto their faith when faced with tragedy.

For me, it has absolutely been true.  Any cynicism, any lingering doubts have just been melted away by a stronger force.  A feeling that the Lord knows who I am and that he loves me and that things will be okay in the end.  I feel that His love is surrounding my family and keeping us safe.  I want to do whatever it takes to keep this feeling with us.  I know that there is a chance that it will fade as we get into a new routine of dealing with cancer and returning in some ways to normal.  But I want to keep it bright!

It's a wonderful life

I haven't seen that movie for a long time, but I remember that George was feeling so low he was about to take his life when a guardian angel intervened to show him how much impact he had on the lives of those around him.

This experience has been a little bit like that for me.  Not that I was feeling low before, but I've had so many well-wishes and people rallying around me.  I really appreciate it.  I've felt a lot of love and the influence of many prayers on my behalf.  It's very humbling.  I'm not used to being the center of attention.

I wish everyone could have this experience (minus the cancer, of course).

Though through the valley

It's been a week and one day since I found out I have lymphoma.  I've felt so many blessings during that week.  I've felt that the veil is a little bit thinner for me.  Maybe that's part of what it means to walk through the valley of death.  I really have felt the presence of the Lord through this.

To begin with, from the moment I heard the words, "Nathan, you have cancer," I've felt almost like there is a protective cocoon around me, helping me to feel secure, to deal with the potential awfulness of the diagnosis.  Christina has commented on this as well.  We've really felt the spirit reassuring us that everything will be right in the end.

I'm thankful that we didn't find out everything all at once.  We've been going through tests and narrowing down the diagnosis and treatment options over the last week.  This has made it easier to deal with the problem mentally.

I'm thankful for our bishopric, Brian Kreutz and Brian Howard visited us the first night in the hospital.  They gave me a blessing.  They also gave Christina a blessing.  It was a great comfort.  We were told that we would be given the resources to make good decisions that would lead to a good outcome for me.

Christina is amazing.  I have felt many times during our marriage the witness of the spirit that we were meant for each other, but it has been particularly strong during this week.  I know that this is very hard on her, but she has really rallied the family together.  She is my coach and team captain.  She is my researcher and counselor.  More than that she is my eternal friend and companion.  I cannot express the depth of my appreciation for her.

And so it begins

I'm not sure where to start.  I'm in the hospital.  They've told me I have lymphoma, a type of CANCER.  I'd like to sort my thoughts out.  I'll do it QA style.

When did it start?

Looking back, I've been feeling sick off and on for about 2 years now.  In February 2011 I finally decided that it was time to lose some of the weight I'd picked up over the years.  I cut way back on sugars and figured I'd see what happened.  I started to lose about 2 lbs a week, and decided I'd keep going until I got under 200 lbs. (I started at 224 lbs).  I reached my goal by August and kept going.  By February 2012, I'd dropped to about 185 lbs. and have been maintaining ever since.

So don't diet- eating healthy can cause CANCER!

Anyway, around April 2011 I started having some weird stomach problems.  I'd feel pretty normal throughout the day and then start feeling strong stomach cramps.  They would last for a few hours and then go away.  I had one episode in May 2011 that I went to the Emergency Room.  Aside from the intense stomach pain, I started to lose feeling in my hands, then arms and legs.  I found out at the hospital that I had been hyperventilating.  They gave me some pain killers, sedative, anti-nausea drugs (which I promptly vomited) and did an MRI and some bloodwork.  Looking back at the bloodwork now, the doctors have told me that some of my vitals were borderline normal.  So some red flags were raised, but not enough that I knew to do anything.  They could't tell me what was wrong, so I went home.

This is way too detailed.  If you're bored, I'll try to use good headings to you can see where it gets interesting.  If it does.

Later that year, around August, the stomach cramping episodes turned into violent vomiting episodes.  I would throw up every 10 minutes for hours.  This would occur every 2-3 weeks, then I'd feel normal again.

I went to see a gastroenterologist.  He did an endoscopy on me in December 2011 and didn't find anything out of the ordinary.  By January 2012 I stopped having the episodes (no vomiting, no stomach cramps), so I didn't follow up with any more doctor's appointments.  I'd occasionally feel some light nausea, but otherwise felt normal.  I'd lost a lot of weight, I was going on hikes with the Boy Scouts and generally feeling pretty good.

Looking back, Christina and I both wonder if all of that stress on my immune system either left me open to cancer or was a sign that cancer was coming.

In October 2012 I started waking up most mornings with sore hands and leg muscles.  It felt like I'd clenched my hands all night.  I thought maybe I was developing early arthritis and so I went to Costco and stocked up on Joint Juice, fish oil, and other vitamins.  I started feeling nausea pretty frequently, so I thought maybe I had developed a gluten intolerance.  I tried going gluten-free but it didn't seem to correlate to the nausea very well.

By December I was waking up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom, I was always thirsty, and I started to wonder if I had diabetes.  I finally decided that my flailing around trying to find the right nutritional answers to my problems wasn't working so well, so I went back to my primary physician to see what they could tell me.

We ruled out diabetes.  My bloodwork showed that my kidneys were really struggling, I was anemic, I had a low thyroid output and my liver was weakening.  Still no diagnosis, but the bloodwork ruled out HIV/AIDS and hepatitis A and B.  Whew!

Then things got worse.  I was breaking out into sweats, feeling too nauseous to eat, not drinking enough water (though I tried) and spending all day in bed or on the couch answering Christina's questions in the shortest way possible and feeling miserable.

More tests on Monday February 4th, including a chest x-ray and a CT scan.  I also mentioned to my physician about the lumps I'd been feeling on the back of my head.

Dr. Vaughn called our cell phone while we were driving home.  He asked me if I was driving.  I said no, Christina was.  He told me he had bad news, that I had cancer and it was in all of my lymph nodes.  Don't go home, turn around and go to the ER.

The end of the beginning.