I like Pi

My thoughts on the Life of Pi (spoiler alert!).  Not a review, but my thoughts on the themes of the movie.  Feel free to chime in!

It is a beautiful movie- the cinematography is excellent, the visuals are engaging.  It has an interesting story and explores themes that matter.  This is the type of movie I really enjoy, one that leaves me thinking for a few days after seeing it.

The movie presents you with a series of unlikely events that Pi experiences as he survives a shipwreck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and then months drifting at sea with a tiger for company.  Afterwards, Pi presents an alternative narrative to the events of the film.  One that is much less magical.  The second narrative is easier to believe, but not very satisfying,  The audience is then presented with the choice of which story to believe.

My family feels that the film ends with the first (more fantastical version) of the story as the "truth", but I didn't feel that way.  I think that the characters in the film all chose to believe the first version, leaving the audience with the impression that it must have been the "true" version of the events. They chose to believe the first version because it was more magical, heroic, and satisfying.

And here is where the ideas of the movie have stuck with me.  We are introduced to Pi's story as a story that will "make you believe in God."  This could mean that watching Pi go through near-magical events that lead not only to his survival, but also to his strengthened faith in the divine, will strengthen our faith as well.  But I see a different message in the film.  Pi went through a horrific event, watching his family perish at sea and then surviving alone (or perhaps with a tiger) for months afterward.  But then he was able to assemble a version of the events that was beautiful and gave meaning to life.

Just as we have to endure traumatic events but are free to choose to believe in a version of the universe in which there is a loving father watching over us, where our lives have meaning beyond the day-to-day activities, and where our deaths are not permanent, but only a chapter in the book of our life.

A few months ago, this message would have resonated with me.  And I still feel that it is a positive message.  But it's also a bit cynical.  It is a message that faith is really not much more than a choice we make and that it doesn't really matter if belief in the divine is a belief in something "true."  If it gives richness and meaning to our lives, then it is positive whether it's "true" or not.

I felt this way before I had lymphoma.  I believe that in many ways, God gives us enough light to see our next step in the darkness, but not much more than that.  Maybe life has to be that way.  Without doubt, how can we have faith?  But sometimes our doubts can feel stronger than our faith.  And it can feel like faith in God is not much different than faith in Santa Claus.  That faith is a story we tell ourselves to make life bearable when it is hard to bear.

But that hasn't been my experience the last few months.  When Christina and I found out that I had cancer, we both immediately felt a blanket of comfort surrounding us.  It wasn't something I had to look for.  It wasn't something that I had to talk myself into because I was terrified of the trial which had suddenly come into our lives.  I feel that this feeling is completely outside of me and that it is my Heavenly Father telling me that things will be all right.  I think that means that I'll live through this trial, but even if I don't, I know that He is watching out for my family.  My point is that I've been given I've been given more light than I'm accustomed to and it wasn't because I made an arbitrary choice to believe.

I've seen this happen to other people as well.  I've seen people bear testimony after a family member had died that they felt at peace and felt comfort from the Holy Spirit that their loved one was still alive (spiritually, of course).  And I wondered if they really felt that way, or if they were choosing to believe that because the alternative was just too awful to bear.  And now I know- that peace is real and we really can have the knowledge that our families can be together again.

And there will be pie!

Second thoughts

I'm beginning to have second thoughts about having lymphoma.  Now that I'm a few months into it, the magic is starting to wear off.  Sure, the extra attention is nice, and people are truly amazing.  But I'd have to say I'm ready to return to the ranks of the cancer free.

The last two weeks have been worrisome.  We've been waiting to find out when we'll be traveling up to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for my stem cell treatments.  Christina called and talked to Dr. Maloney, the specialist who will be performing the transplant.  He looked at the PET scan I'd had the week before and told Christina we're behind schedule in putting the cancer into remission and that we should be more aggressive with it.

We've been worried about our local doctor ever since we've begun treatment.  He is from India, graduated from medical school before I was born, and is not a very talkative person.  On the other hand, Dr. Patel is very grandfatherly, has a very positive attitude, and takes time to answer all of our questions.  We just aren't always sure we're asking the right ones.  He also seems to be forgetful at times.

So, we called Columbia Basin Oncology and Hematology and asked if we could see another doctor.  We were ready to switch.  We saw Doctor Gamboa on Wednesday.  He is a year younger than me and communicates very well.  He seemed very open.  He also told us that Dr. Patel is the lymphoma expert in their clinic and the one that he would defer to in treating this disease.  He also let us know that he agrees with Dr. Patel's approach in treating my case.  He pointed out that the symptoms are improving.  They can't manually feel my lymph nodes or my spleen anymore, so we know that they are getting back to their normal size.  My other symptoms have improved.  Also, we didn't start out with a PET scan, so we don't really have an original to compare the last one against.  Dr. Gamboa recommended that we continue with my current regimen, especially since I only have one more round to go.  Then we'll take another PET scan and evaluate. If the cancer is in remission, I'll be able to go up to Seattle and start the stem cell transplants.  If not, they will put me on a more aggressive chemotherapy regimen.

Dr. Patel also spoke with Dr. Maloney and it sounds like they are on the same page.  So Christina and I are feeling more confident again.  And I just made it through my fifth round of chemo with flying colors.  The lumbar puncture wasn't too bad, although it did take a few prods of the needle through my spinal cord to find my spinal fluid.  And I had to go in for a blood transfusion on Friday to boost my red blood cell counts.  But other than that, not too bad.  I had a few nice naps.

Fighting cancer

I've been thinking lately about what it means to fight cancer.  I don't feel like what I'm doing is really fighting. I mean, mostly what I'm doing is taking my medicine and keeping a positive attitude.

Christina told me that she was reading a blog about a man who preferred to use the term "living with cancer" because he felt it was more accurate.  I don't know if I like that either, although I do like the emphasis on LIVING.  But the ultimate goal is to get rid of it.  Of course, that's my goal- maybe he has a type you have to live with.

Any ideas?  I do have some goals that I try to follow in my battle with cancer.  For example:

1. I am asking my Father in Heaven for his help and guidance.  I am asking for a miracle in my life.
2. I am trying to live closer to the spirit.  I have felt the spirit very strongly throughout this experience and I want to keep that feeling by being obedient to promptings I receive.
3. I am trying to eat healthy foods and drink lots of water.
4. I'd like to be more physically active, but most days I realize that the best thing I can probably do for myself is to rest
5. I am trying to balance work and home life, realizing that home life is much more important.
6. I want to spend as much time as possible with my wife and children.  Friends too!

That's a pretty good list for now.

Wise counsel

Yesterday our stake president, Ross Montierth called and asked if he could come and visit.  I've never had a stake president in my home before- it was a special experience.  He spent about 45 minutes talking with Christina and I.  I know that represents a significant amount of time for him in his busy schedule.  I'd like to share a few highlights of what we talked about.

First, he took time to let us know he cares about us, and that the members of the church do as well.  Our ward is going to be fasting for my family on the next fast Sunday and he let us know that several other wards in the stake would be as well.  It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of so many thoughts and prayers.

He shared with us some of the health challenges that his own family has had to deal with and let us know that it is part of the Lord's plan for us to grow.  I've really felt a witness of this.  I know that Heavenly Father has an idea of who he wants me to be and I really feel that this trial is a part of helping me to become that man.

He reminded us that the Lord can heal us, but often delays that healing for our own benefit.  Also, it is more important to Him that we be spiritually made whole than that we be physically made whole.

He talked about blessings and counseled me to ask for blessings as often as I had the desire.  Usually an anointing is only necessary on the first occasion, but priesthood blessings are always available.  He reminded me that those blessings are based on my faith and told me that it was acceptable for me to ask the administering Elder for specific blessings.

We spoke about patriarchal blessings and the fact that we can learn different things from them at different points in our lives.

Also that this experience would draw us nearer together as a couple and as a family.  He gave me a hug as he left and I could feel that he genuinely cares for each of us as members of his stake.  It was a special visit.  I am so grateful for the church, for both my brothers and sisters as well as our leaders.  I do not aspire to be a leader in the church, but I do hope that I can follow their example.  I can see that they are guided by the spirit and I want that more in my life.

For my centurions

When a roman centurion asked Jesus to heal his servant, the Savior responded that he would come to his home immediately.  The centurion replied that Jesus need not come to his house for he was unworthy.  But he believed that the Savior had the power to heal his servant from where he stood.

I used this story for family scripture study tonight.  I feel a bit like the servant in the story.  I have many centurions asking with faith that I might be healed, and I know that the Savior has the power to answer those prayers.  I thanked our children for their faith and prayers in my behalf.

I love the gospel.  I love that there are new things to learn and apply to ourselves now matter what our circumstances or trials we go through.  I am so grateful for the comfort of the spirit which I feel.

I really think I'm going to make it.  I feel that is what the Lord wants from me.  But if not, I know that I won't be alone.  That my family won't be alone.  That the Savior will be there for us and that things will be okay.  I'd heard people say similar things as they went through trials and I always wondered if it were true or if people just have a tendency to grab harder onto their faith when faced with tragedy.

For me, it has absolutely been true.  Any cynicism, any lingering doubts have just been melted away by a stronger force.  A feeling that the Lord knows who I am and that he loves me and that things will be okay in the end.  I feel that His love is surrounding my family and keeping us safe.  I want to do whatever it takes to keep this feeling with us.  I know that there is a chance that it will fade as we get into a new routine of dealing with cancer and returning in some ways to normal.  But I want to keep it bright!

It's a wonderful life

I haven't seen that movie for a long time, but I remember that George was feeling so low he was about to take his life when a guardian angel intervened to show him how much impact he had on the lives of those around him.

This experience has been a little bit like that for me.  Not that I was feeling low before, but I've had so many well-wishes and people rallying around me.  I really appreciate it.  I've felt a lot of love and the influence of many prayers on my behalf.  It's very humbling.  I'm not used to being the center of attention.

I wish everyone could have this experience (minus the cancer, of course).

Though through the valley

It's been a week and one day since I found out I have lymphoma.  I've felt so many blessings during that week.  I've felt that the veil is a little bit thinner for me.  Maybe that's part of what it means to walk through the valley of death.  I really have felt the presence of the Lord through this.

To begin with, from the moment I heard the words, "Nathan, you have cancer," I've felt almost like there is a protective cocoon around me, helping me to feel secure, to deal with the potential awfulness of the diagnosis.  Christina has commented on this as well.  We've really felt the spirit reassuring us that everything will be right in the end.

I'm thankful that we didn't find out everything all at once.  We've been going through tests and narrowing down the diagnosis and treatment options over the last week.  This has made it easier to deal with the problem mentally.

I'm thankful for our bishopric, Brian Kreutz and Brian Howard visited us the first night in the hospital.  They gave me a blessing.  They also gave Christina a blessing.  It was a great comfort.  We were told that we would be given the resources to make good decisions that would lead to a good outcome for me.

Christina is amazing.  I have felt many times during our marriage the witness of the spirit that we were meant for each other, but it has been particularly strong during this week.  I know that this is very hard on her, but she has really rallied the family together.  She is my coach and team captain.  She is my researcher and counselor.  More than that she is my eternal friend and companion.  I cannot express the depth of my appreciation for her.